Was She Silenced or Silent? Exploring Issues Women of Colour Face When Speaking Up

Doesn’t everyone love a good joke? Sharing a laugh with people can lighten the mood, ease tension, or either create a stronger bond between people. However, awkward moments could arise when the jokes are harmful or made at your expense. I mean, what do you do in that situation? Laugh along? Or should you speak up for yourself? You might throw a little "hey man, that's not cool!”, and then happily ever after. Jokes are no longer made at your expense. Everyone listens to you and your racist neighbour who made the joke as an uninvited guest to your birthday party silently leaves and there is no longer any awkward tension. Yay!

Although this situation sounds ideal, it isn’t always what happens when uncomfortable comments are addressed by women of colour. 

As a woman of colour myself, when these moments occur, I find myself doubting my actions afterwards, negatively affecting my self-esteem and mental health. These doubts become mentally exhausting. For women, laughing along and being silent seem like the safer option as the story tends to get flipped otherwise. Rather than addressing the discomfort associated with the joke, the focus is often pivoted to the reaction of the joke (Gamst et al. 2023). 

Are women of colour scary or just fed up? 

Women are expected by society to be joyful, agreeable, welcoming, and accommodating all the time. Consequently, when there is deviation from these social roles, women, especially women of colour, feel ostracized or experience self-doubt (Motro et al. 2022). Specifically, when it comes to standing up for oneself, it may be seen as an overreaction, or you’re hit with a “you’re doing too much”. But this isn’t the reality! Why must we feel poorly about ourselves for setting boundaries? 

Moreover, for women of colour, there are heavier social expectations and consequent heavier social punishment. For example, the “angry black woman” stereotype portrays black women as being angry, hostile, or overreacting when expressing emotions that deviate from the standard social expectations of women. This leads to black women being silenced due to discouragement of challenging injustice, especially in professional settings, in fear of social exclusion (Motro et al. 2022). Another example is the social norms imposed on South Asian women when they are in the presence of men. They are expected to be quiet, obedient, and submissive, as these are seen as feminine, desirable traits (Forbes et al. 2023). The desirability of women is conditional, as approval is only granted if their behaviour falls within social norms.

As well, research has consistently shown that comparatively when white women speak up for themselves, they are not perceived as a threat as much as women of colour are. They are not characterized as hostile, irrational, or overbearing, but rather are met with positive traits such as being quirky, bold, and confident. This signifies an unfair, biased gap in perception. 

If you wonder why you find yourself laughing off an uncomfortable joke, it's because of the system that is set up. It’s important to realize that awkward half smiles are given at jokes made at your expense, not because the joke was funny, but out of fear of social exclusion and being problematic. 

I guess all in all, society expects to be doormats, but this shouldn’t be the case.  

Why it's important to stop laughing

Although laughing along feels safe, it is dangerous in the long term. Reinforcement of harmful rhetoric occurs through complicit behaviour. In fact, this can cause people to become even more comfortable making these jokes, perpetuating a harmful cycle in which you are silenced. This heavily affects one’s mental health and well-being. When you are perceived as a threat, your perception of yourself may change as well, affecting your overall confidence and self-esteem. Thus, it is crucial to take the appropriate steps necessary to prevent your mental health from declining when faced with these situations. 

Calls to action 

1. Don't be silent and neutral. 

Silence can be perceived as neutrality, which is not a passive or harmless stance. When you are “neutral” in situations where you’re being oppressed, choosing not to respond allows oppressive behaviours to persist and can be viewed as siding with the oppressor. Suppressing your feelings and not establishing boundaries could lead to increased stress or even burnout in the long term. Doing the opposite allows you to filter out negative, unsupportive relationships increasing your self-efficacy and feelings of empowerment, therefore improving your overall well-being. For example, laughing at an offensive joke reinforces the harmful rhetoric because the oppressors' words are not met with negativity, but at her positivity through laughing. It’s better to avoid this route if you don’t want to encourage this behaviour! 

2. When silence is not a choice         Coerced silence is not neutrality. Being silent is pretty nuanced. Oftentimes, being silent could be because if you spoke up, your job could be at risk, your livelihood could be at risk, and more. Studies have recognized that historically, people of colour have not been given the luxury of speaking up for themselves or openly resisting (Eyeraud, 2025). If this is the case, it's important to practice recognizing when jokes are being made at your expense and to fight back against the feeling of self-doubt through understanding that jokes made at your expense are not okay. Recognize that you are not problematic for thinking this way, as this feeling of discomfort is a rational response when you’re the victim of harmful rhetoric. As well, it is crucial to understand that you are not wrong for being silent in cases of coerced silence. Keeping this in mind causes the evasion of constant rumination about whether you’re aggressive, problematic, or doing too much, improving self-esteem. Overall, validating your experience is crucial in maintaining your self-esteem.

3. Open the floor for discussion!               When you can’t have these conversations with the oppressor or the person spewing harmful rhetoric, find your own community! I found it helpful when I speak to others about my experiences and gain their perspective as it was a better, healthy or coping mechanism than rumination. Having a sense of community, facilitating healthy communication, building supportive social interactions, and being able to explain these experiences can give you the reassurance that you’re not problematic or difficult when you stand up for yourself.

Works Cited

Eyraud, F. (2025). Information management under stigma: When protective silence complements willful ignorance. Current Opinion in Psychology, 66, 102125. [https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2025.102125](https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2025.102125)

Forbes, N. (2023). Intersectional discrimination and its impact on Asian American women. Frontiers in Public Health. [https://doi.org/10.3389/fpubh.2023.993396](https://doi.org/10.3389/fpubh.2023.993396)

Gamst, G., et al. (2023). Shifting mediates gendered racial microaggressions and perceived racism among Asian American women. Journal of Clinical Psychology. [https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.23524](https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.23524)

Motro, D., Evans, J. B., Ellis, A. P. J., & Benson, L. (2022). Race and reactions to women’s expressions of anger at work: Examining the effects of the “angry Black woman” stereotype. Journal of Applied Psychology, 107(1), 142–152. [https://doi.org/10.1037/apl0000884](https://doi.org/10.1037/apl0000884)