Self-Care vs. Self-Centered: When Does It Cross the Line?

We’ve all been there: scrolling through social media, watching videos of people whose lives seem effortlessly productive, filled with routines that make us feel like we’re falling behind. Their lives look perfectly curated with their dimly lit rooms, aesthetic journals, morning coffee rituals, and early gym sessions. The one thing these all have in common? The quiet hum of isolation. Someone will turn their phone on Do Not Disturb as an AI-generated voiceover repeats mantras like, “Focus on yourself. Water your own grass, not anyone else’s.” A caption insists, “The biggest act of self-love is to live for yourself, not for others,” while lyrics echo, "Nobody’s heard from me in months, I’m doing better than I ever was.”

The message is clear: personal growth requires shutting the world out. To prioritize yourself means cutting out the noise and focusing with tunnel vision. ​​

A viral tweet expressed both humour and frustration: “The worst person you know is in therapy being told it’s okay to be selfish.” Though meant as a joke, it brings up a hard truth that had me wondering: At what point does focusing on yourself for the sake of self-care cross into self-centeredness? 

The Evolution of Self-Care

Mental health is finally getting the attention it deserves, and self-care has become the buzzword of our time. In a capitalistic world constantly working to the edge of burnout, we’re all searching for ways to reclaim control over our well-being. And there’s been significant progress. Campaigns like Bell Let’s Talk have enabled nearly 7 million Canadians to access mental health services (Bell Let’s Talk, 2024). Conversations around mental health are growing, and more people are getting the help they need than ever before. 

Yet, self-care didn’t start as a luxury as it’s often seen today. In fact, it was born out of necessity. The medical community first adopted the term in the 1950s, but it was the Black Panther Party during the civil rights movement that truly popularized and politicized it. Leaders like Angela Davis and Ericka Huggins embraced mindfulness, yoga, and meditation to maintain their mental health while incarcerated. After their release, they created wellness programs that emphasized nutrition and physical movement to preserve mental health while navigating systemic inequities (Houseworth, 2021). For marginalized communities, self-care was an act of defiance and a powerful way of reclaiming autonomy in a system designed to strip it away.

Fast forward to today, and self-care has evolved into a $1.8 trillion industry (MADE, 2024). Influencers flood social media with sponsorships, promoting products ranging from bubble baths to exclusive retreats. While these practices can definitely be valid forms of self-care, the commercialization of self-care has changed its focus. What once aimed to foster resilience now sometimes seems like self-indulgence disguised as empowerment. Instead of focusing on what they need to thrive, people may now focus on what they want. This subtle yet critical distinction determines whether self-care encourages true development or just enables self-centeredness. When tied to consumer culture, self-care risks becoming something superficial that prioritizes gratifying your desires, rather than a meaningful practice that enriches your personal growth.

What is Genuine Self-Care?

At its core, genuine self-care is not about extravagance or escapism but about consciously choosing practices that nurture your spiritual, physical, intellectual, relational, and emotional well-being. Practicing self-care restores your energy, deepens self-awareness, and strengthens your relationship with yourself. It is an expression of self-love and compassion, forming the foundation of a satisfying and meaningful life (Bhalla-Lucus, 2024).

Research also highlights the economic and practical benefits of self-care interventions, particularly for youth. These interventions empower individuals by providing a practical alternative to reliance on mental health professionals. While formal treatments for mental health issues are effective, studies show that many undergraduate students hesitate to seek help due to barriers like lengthy waitlists or fear of stigma. Evidence-based self-care strategies, which are affordable, accessible, and adaptable, offer a practicable solution by addressing stress management in ways that reduce these common obstacles (Zhong & Xie, 2023).

Setting healthy boundaries is a key aspect of genuine self-care. Saying “no” to an overwhelming workload or declining a social event when you’re feeling drained are small but significant acts of self-care. They protect your ability to show up for others without sacrificing yourself. Other examples include regular exercise, healthy nutrition, mindfulness practices, or simply getting enough sleep. Ultimately, self-care is about creating a balance that allows for accountability and improvement while honouring your own well-being.

When Self-Care Becomes Self-Centered

Self-care can cross a line when it becomes an excuse for neglecting responsibilities or disregarding the needs of others. While boundaries are crucial, consistently cancelling plans at the last minute or ignoring shared responsibilities in the name of “protecting my peace” can harm relationships.

Studies link self-centred behaviours to higher levels of depression and neuroticism, suggesting that excessive focus on oneself can paradoxically reduce overall well-being (Wegemer, 2020). Self-absorption is often described as being “preoccupied with oneself to the exclusion of others or the outside world.” Such individuals tend to lack empathy and make minimal effort to understand others' emotions or perspectives. Their narrowed focus on their own needs often prevents them from connecting meaningfully with those around them, even when they attempt to (Seltzer, 2024).

Recalling the tweet from earlier –  we know that someone in therapy would be using a valuable well-being intervention to take care of themselves. But imagine being on the receiving end of someone using self-care as an excuse to act selfishly. For example, someone who frequently skips tasks they committed to do with the expectation that others will cover for them, justifying it as "taking a mental health day." Or someone who constantly demands emotional support from friends but never reciprocates when their friends need them most. This is where self-care, when misused, becomes a problem. While I'm not suggesting staying in toxic situations, constantly labelling every challenge as "negative energy" prevents empathy and ultimately hurts people. Friends, family, or colleagues may feel devalued or neglected. Over time, this erodes trust and emotional bonds. 

Navigating the Balance

When navigating the balance between self-care and self-centeredness, self-construal theory offers useful insights. This psychological framework highlights that individualistic societies, common in Western cultures, prioritize autonomy and independence. While this focus can promote self-care, loneliness in such cultures is often linked to the absence of friendships or confidants (Lykes & Kemmelmeier, 2013). Balancing personal goals with meaningful connections ensures that self-care remains fulfilling and prevents it from falling into excessive self-focus, which can ultimately lead to isolation.  As humans are inherently prosocial, maintaining relationships is essential for both well-being and a sustainable self-care practice.

So, how can we ensure our self-care practices remain empathetic, benefiting ourselves while not hurting others? The key lies in understanding the difference between self-care and selfishness: motivation. Self-care comes from a desire to nurture and improve well-being, while selfishness focuses on one’s own needs without regard for others. Striking a balance means evaluating the impact of our actions on both ourselves and those around us (Bhalla-Lucus, 2024). 

To maintain empathy in your self-care practices, consider the following strategies:

1. Communicate Boundaries Thoughtfully:

   Instead of abruptly cancelling commitments, explain your reasons when possible. A message like, “I’m feeling overwhelmed and need to rest today. Please let me know when you are available next so that we can reschedule,” acknowledges your needs while respecting the other person’s time.

2. Reflect on Intentions:

   Before making a decision that affects someone else, ask yourself, “Is this action truly necessary for my well-being, or am I avoiding accountability?” Journaling or talking to a trusted mental health professional can help clarify your motives.

3. Reciprocate:

   Self-care doesn’t mean turning it into always being only about you. Supporting others is a form of care, too. Lending an ear to someone having a hard time can strengthen relationships and create a mutual support system that will also benefit you. 

Self-care doesn’t have to conflict with care for others. In fact, the two often go hand in hand. A well-rested, emotionally balanced person is better fitted to care for healthy relationships. The challenge lies in finding the middle ground between honouring your needs without disregarding the needs of those around you. Caring for yourself should never mean abandoning your care for others. True self-care uplifts everyone in its orbit. It develops relationships, deepens empathy, and builds a healthier sense of well-being.

References

Bhalla-Lucas, S. (2024, March 7). Just Jhoom! with Shalini Bhalla-Lucas. Just Jhoom! https://www.justjhoom.co.uk/self-care-and-selfishness/

Houseworth, L. E. (2021, January 14). How the black panthers revolutionized self-care. Teen Vogue. https://www.teenvogue.com/story/the-radical-history-of-self-care#:~:text=The%20medical%20community%20latched%20onto,of%20the%20civil%20rights%20movement

Bell Let’s Talk. Learn how Bell Let’s Talk is creating positive change in Canada. Bell. (2024). https://letstalk.bell.ca/

Lykes, V. A., & Kemmelmeier, M. (2013). What predicts loneliness? cultural difference between individualistic and collectivistic societies in Europe. Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, 45(3), 468–490. https://doi.org/10.1177/0022022113509881

MADE. (2024, November 6). How consumers are driving a new era of self-care - made trends. MADE Trends - Merchandising & Design Experts. https://madetrends.com/how-consumers-are-driving-a-new-era-of-self-care/

Seltzer, L. F. (2024, February 26). Self-absorption: The root of all (psychological) evil?. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-of-the-self/201608/self-absorption-the-root-of-all-psychological-evil

Wegemer, C. M. (2020). Selflessness, depression, and neuroticism: An interactionist perspective on the effects of self-transcendence, perspective-taking, and materialism. Frontiers in Psychology, 11. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.523950

Zhong, B., & Xie, L. (2023). Making “Joy pie” to stay joyful: Self-care interventions alleviate college students’ mental health challenges. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 20(5), 3823. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph20053823