What is Male Loneliness?

It’s November! Or should I say Movember? It’s the time of year where you’ll start noticing a lot of prickly chins that, as the weeks go by, will grow into thick beards. People grow out their facial hair during this month to raise awareness about men’s health. And an important part of health is one’s mental health. A prominent subject within the realm of men’s mental health is male loneliness. For a long time, I struggled to grasp the concept of male loneliness. As a woman, I found it challenging to put myself in the perspective of a man. I attempted to research about it, but all the articles I read didn’t really encapsulate what it was. Then it hit me, instead of researching about it, why don’t I just ask men directly? So that’s exactly what I did. I conducted an online survey in which I asked six men about their experiences with male loneliness. I asked them about what male loneliness is, how it affects them, the underlying causes of this loneliness, and the steps we can take towards solving male loneliness. I found the responses I received to be incredibly insightful and have compiled them in this article.

So, What is Male Loneliness?

“Male loneliness” is a term coined to describe the growing number of men who feel like they are alone and have no one to talk to. But why is this the case? There are two main culprits for this uptick: a general decline in friendships and the perpetuation of harmful stereotypes.

Decline in Friendship

In the last 40 years, there has been a sharp decline in the number of friends people are making. According to a study by the Survey Center on American Life, the number of Americans with no close friends has quadrupled in the last three decades, jumping from 3% to 12% of the population (Cox, 2021a). They also revealed that while 33% of Americans reported having 10 or more close friends in 1990, this figure dwindled to 13% in 2021 (Cox, 2021a). It seems that with the rise of technology, people are spending more time online and less time engaging with their communities. As a result, people are building fewer relationships within their community. Worryingly, this sense of isolation is heightened in men, with 15% reporting to have no close friends compared to 10% of women (Cox, 2021b).

Harmful Stereotypes

Just like how women are often pressured to be gentle and obedient, men are frequently told they should always be strong and in control. While these qualities may seem positive, there comes a point where these expectations become a burden. At the end of the day, we are all human and everyone has moments when they need to be strong and moments they need to be vulnerable. However, many men feel like they can’t be vulnerable at all. Those who participated in my survey said they felt like it was wrong to be vulnerable, to cry, or to feel hurt; that the suffering they were going through was just something they had to get over. Even when men do open up about their suffering, they are often brushed off, judged, or even ridiculed. One participant shared how when he tried to open up about the struggles he was facing, he was called a “sissy”. It’s because of reactions like this that men hold in their feelings and believe that no one will understand them or take their emotions seriously. This trend is supported by how, on a weekly basis, only 30% of men share their feelings with their friends and only 21% receive emotional support from a friend (Cox, 2021a).

How to Access Help

If you are a man who wants to talk about your problems but feel like you can’t talk to anyone, I highly recommend seeking therapy. From personal experience, therapy provides a judgement-free space where a counsellor will empathetically listen to you as you share your struggles and difficulties. The counsellor will then help you to understand your problems on a deeper level and will aid you in developing strategies to cope with or address these problems in your daily life. However, if one-on-one counselling seems a bit intimidating, group therapy is another great avenue where you can discuss your experiences and feelings with peers to work through them together. And if you’re currently attending high school, college, or university, these services are usually available for free! Through the UTSC Health & Wellness Centre, you are able to book same-day one-on-one counselling appointments or attend drop-in peer support sessions that currently take place every Wednesday from 5-7 PM. Additionally, there are helplines, like Good2Talk, which can be accessed anytime, anywhere through call or text. But don’t get me wrong, this is not the solution to male loneliness. This is a great step for men who are suffering with loneliness, however there is a lot of work we need to do as a society.

How to Solve Male Loneliness

As a society, there are three crucial actions we must take in order to address male loneliness. Firstly, we must challenge and break down stereotypes. Let the men in your life know that it is okay to be vulnerable and speak out against those who seek to reinforce stereotypes. Secondly, we must listen to men with compassion and empathy. Men are human beings too, so if a man reaches out to you about his problems, it is important to take him seriously and actively listen to what he is saying. We all deserve to be heard and treated with respect. Thirdly, we have to teach boys from a young age how to express their emotions in a healthy way. We should tell boys that it is okay to feel hurt, that it is okay to cry, and that it is okay to ask for help. If we can instill these ideas at a young age, then hopefully they will never have to experience the isolation that men feel today. Changing societal norms is never easy, but I hope that little by little, we are able to replace the pain these men experience with a sense of peace.

References

Cox, D. A. (2021a, June 8). The State of American Friendship: Change, challenges, and loss. The Survey Center on American Life. https://www.americansurveycenter.org/research/the-state-of-american-friendship-change-challenges-and-loss/

Cox, D. A. (2021b, June 29). Men’s social circles are shrinking. The Survey Center on American Life. https://www.americansurveycenter.org/why-mens-social-circles-are-shrinking/