Feeling Lonely? You’re Not Alone
Updated: Feb 28, 2023
We often hear that many university students can feel lonely and socially isolated, especially at UTSC. A recent survey in 2021 shows that nearly 1 in 4 people aged 15 to 24 years old reported always or often feeling lonely (Government of Canada, Statistics Canada, 2022 ). The extended periods of social isolation we've had during the past two years during the pandemic certainly did not help. Having experienced both loneliness and social isolation myself, I realized that it could be challenging to talk about these feelings. It can feel like everyone's doing okay except you. Therefore, sometimes, knowing about others' experiences helps. I spoke to three UTSC students who were gracious enough to share their experiences with all of us. Their names have been changed to protect their privacy. Of course, everyone's experiences are unique, but I hope that some of their experiences might resonate with you, and you might find solace in knowing that you're not alone.
Before we go on, what is loneliness and social isolation?
Loneliness refers to a subjective, distressing feeling that your social needs are not being met by your current social relationships (Hawkley & Cacioppo, 2010). On the other hand, social isolation refers to the objective state of a person's relationships: they might be low in quality and quantity (Holt-Lunstad, 2020). So, you can be lonely even when you're not socially isolated, though social isolation can add to your loneliness.
Moving on, let's talk about student experiences…
1. Losing high school networks and the pandemic
Pascal told me that 'being immunocompromised meant that [he] had no choice but to hunker down when the pandemic started'. As a result, he lost touch with 90-95% of his high school friends. He could also not come to Canada in person at the time as he was living abroad. Meanwhile, he added that a lot of his classmates made their way into the Toronto area despite COVID and had an opportunity to make connections. The world moved on without him, and he had to spend the year after catching up when he was eventually able to come here in person’.
Moana described outgrowing her high school friends during the pandemic. As she said, 'even though I had them as my social support and I've known them for nine years, I felt like I was going through many things alone'. It was made more difficult by online school/lockdown, where she 'lost all motivation'. She mentioned, 'at one point, I thought this would last forever'. In addition, when you're feeling lonely, ‘you don't wanna reach out, it prevents you from wanting to do anything'. All in all, it was a pretty tough time.
2. Difficulty forming connections/opening up in university
As Moana describes, UTSC is a commuter school, so 'everyone's just doing comes and goes. There's no designated area to hang out and socialize with others. Many people are still in touch with their high school groups but are not necessarily willing to start afresh, making it hard to form closer connections.
Another student, Vanessa, also describes a similar experience, especially when it comes to seeking support for her mental health. For her, it was more difficult connecting with others when school became in person again because 'everyone always has a lot going on and had no time to get back to me. It's also difficult to make plans even with people I see regularly. It was different compared to high school when you see them every day, but now people accidentally ignore or leave me on read, and that's not helpful when you really need support'.
3. What helped? Any messages to anyone feeling the same way?
Moana shared that when she was really struggling with loneliness, she thought it was because she wasn’t good at making friends, when in reality it's just difficult to make friends in university. But now she realizes that a lot of people are going through the same thing, and it doesn't say anything about her. She added, ‘When you're doing well, focus on something else other than making friends, people come naturally to you, and sometimes unexpectedly’.
Pascal wants to say that 'it gets better, and things do work out'. Even though things didn't work out at first, even with his own roommates when he lived in residence, he got to connect with other friends through other club activities.
Vanessa wants to remind everyone that 'people can only help you if they know what's going on. So even if you don't think it will help, trying to be honest is a lot better than doing nothing'.
Resources
For more ideas to understand loneliness and ways to help, this is a pretty good place to start! (maybe link to a google doc?)
If you are currently experiencing an emergency, please contact:
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Sources:
Government of Canada, Statistics Canada. (2022, June 9). Loneliness by gender and other selected sociodemographic characteristics. Retrieved September 14, 2022, from https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/t1/tbl1/en/tv.action?pid=4510004901
Hawkley, L. C., & Cacioppo, J. T. (2010). Loneliness matters: A theoretical and empirical review of consequences and mechanisms. Annals of Behavioral Medicine, 40(2), 218–227. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12160-010-9210-8
Holt-Lunstad, J. (2020, June 21). Social Isolation and Health: Health Affairs Brief. Health Affairs. Retrieved August 18, 2022, from https://www.healthaffairs.org/do/10.1377/hpb20200622.253235/
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