Radical Acceptance: A Tool to Tolerate Distress
Last time as I was writing my last blog post, I interviewed a participant who described feeling socially isolated and lonely as they struggled with their mental health. Therapy was helping… ish. They practiced self-care strategies as best as they could. But not a lot was helping the situation. I was struck by this question: how do we cope when we are stuck in crappy situations and things are out of our control? I was reminded of one strategy from Dialectical Behavioural Therapy: radical acceptance.
So…what is it?
Radical acceptance is learning to accept your circumstances as they are, without judgement. It does not solve your problem, but it helps reduce your suffering and tolerate your distress. A 2019 meta-analysis found that acceptance helps cancer patients with reducing their distress.
There’s this old Buddhist saying: ‘Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.’ Life is full of events that inevitably cause pain. We get sick, physically and mentally. There are a lot of injustices and harm caused by oppression. Close family members pass away. And when these things happen, we might re-live these events in our head repeatedly, and think to ourselves, ‘why did this happen to me? This shouldn’t have happened/ be happening.’ While these are all valid thoughts, when we resist our reality, it can add to our suffering. Having said that, if you do find yourself fixating on terrible events in the past or present, it is pretty natural to have these thoughts and feelings.
Acceptance is not approval
Note that acceptance does not mean we think the situation is acceptable. It does not mean that we are resigning ourselves to the situation or forgiving someone who has hurt us. In fact, you can accept that your current situation is painful while planning for change at the same time. In my own experience, I’ve found that once I’ve decided to accept a situation, there’s a certain peace that accompanies that decision and allows me to be able to move on and make the most out of my situation.
This applies to coping with harm from systemic oppression too. Vibh Forsynthe Cox, director of the Marsha M. Linehan DBT Clinic, talked about their own experience with racism as follows, ‘I’m a Black woman, so racism is part of my experience in life; radically accepting it is not about giving up, and if I don’t acknowledge the reality that racism exists in the present moment, I might do behaviours that put me in danger. I have to acknowledge it exists so I can make choices that help me get to my goals.’
How to practice radical acceptance
So how do we do this? In my own experience, radical acceptance is something that many of us intuitively understand and grasp. However, sometimes this can be easier said than done. Here are a few tips that can make it easier:
Observe our un-acceptance
The first step to radical acceptance is often observing our resistance to acceptance non-judgmentally. What thoughts or feelings are you going through? What sensations are arising in your body?
Feel those feelings, non-judgmentally.
And yes, that includes negative ones. You don’t have to try to make yourself feel good about an unpleasant situation. Mindfulness can help with tolerating those negative emotions too. Journaling can also help by labelling the facts of the situations, and your emotions.
‘It is out of your control’
Remind yourself that whatever you are dealing with in the past or present is out of your control. Identify the causes of the situation that is out of your control. While you might be able to create change in the future, for the time being, it is not possible right now.
Make the decision to accept
Some people find it helpful to make a conscious, intentional decision to reach acceptance. You might have to do this over and over again before you can come to a full acceptance of your circumstances.
Practice
Practice accepting what happened with your mind, body and spirit. It can be something as simple as smiling or laughing even when you do not feel like it. You can try relaxation techniques, or exercising like yoga or working out. You can try imagining what behaviours or actions you would do if you accepted the situation. Then try acting it out.
When do I use radical acceptance?
When radical acceptance might be appropriate
Generally speaking, radical acceptance helps with situations we cannot immediately solve or change in the present moment, such as dealing with the death of a loved one, or coping with a traumatic or negative event.
When radical acceptance might be inappropriate
Situations of abuse or harassment: while radical acceptance might help you cope with it, it might not be helpful or safe to do so while you are actively being harmed.
Excusing unhealthy behaviours: while we may radically accept all our emotions, it does not mean we must act on them.
A situation that is in your control: it might not be helpful to use radical acceptance as a way to avoid addressing a problem you can work on.
Sources:
Princing, M. K. (2022, August 8). 6 Ways to Reduce Suffering With Radical Acceptance. Right as Rain by UW Medicine. Retrieved December 5, 2022, from https://rightasrain.uwmedicine.org/mind/mental-health/radical-acceptance
Harris, A. (2022, June 8). 10 steps of radical acceptance. Hopeway. Retrieved December 5, 2022, from https://hopeway.org/blog/radical-acceptance
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